Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
