I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
