And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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