i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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