I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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