I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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