Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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