a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
