They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
is wine microwaveable?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
