i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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