if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have fence marks all over my body
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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