he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.