I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
