mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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