Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
