You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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