OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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