I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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