I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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