This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
