whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
