i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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