The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
