I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
