You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
