Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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