explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
