God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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