Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
