She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
this hospital has no fireball
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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