So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
