I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home