I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
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No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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