I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
