You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
