and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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