The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sext me about skeletons
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
