I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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