If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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