So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
