just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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