not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
