I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
