Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
