Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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