can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
