can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
is wine microwaveable?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
