I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
