i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
