I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
