youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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