i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
