If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
