um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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