Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
