he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
